tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4059077432036354029.post4625116837837109372..comments2023-08-22T22:10:42.197-07:00Comments on your first page: An Arrow into the Heart of a StoryPeter Selginhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03493565026700541812noreply@blogger.comBlogger2125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4059077432036354029.post-73866149935048955582010-11-30T15:29:23.705-08:002010-11-30T15:29:23.705-08:00My favorite parts of this piece were the descripti...My favorite parts of this piece were the descriptions you gave. The first lines about waking up to the soft thumping and squinting at the clock were really nice. I think that more of these descriptions would make for a more vivid image and would also slow down the pace of this first page. <br />Starting off a story by going right into a scene can be effective, but I think that this story might be better off with a more general description of the brothers' relationship/situation. By not directly telling the reader that the narrator has a mentally challenged younger brother, it makes us guess and it seems like this is the focus of the story. The fact that his brother is mentally challenged just the starting point, but the story should come from the plot.James Seelynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4059077432036354029.post-62713626879640893592010-11-19T12:07:48.607-08:002010-11-19T12:07:48.607-08:00Here i like the way the story starts out with a sc...Here i like the way the story starts out with a scene but then I think you go into describing many things. I think this many be because you don't know what you want to happen yet. I would suggest spending time planning your story.I believe this will help you a lot. Lastly you seem to hint at the protagonists unintelligence, but you don't say if he's mentally ill or just likes kid stuff. This is withholding information and it can do more harm then good. State the reason from the start. Hope this information is helpful.joshua foxnoreply@blogger.com